When we think about caregiving, some of us have idealized templates in mind: a mother lovingly rocking her baby to sleep, or an adult child moving their elderly parent into an in-laws’ suite that was thoughtfully built just for them. We might beat ourselves up if our lived experience is different from an image of the way things are “supposed to be,” or if we have conflicted emotions around caregiving: including resentment, exhaustion, fear, or incompetence.
One of the most common scenarios I’ve encountered as a hospice counselor and as a psychotherapist is the intersection of trauma, grief, and caregiving. As a culture, we don’t talk about it.
Do any of these statements sound familiar to you?
– I am caring for someone who is unkind, demanding, or even abusive.
– I am caring for someone who abused me in the past, or until they became too frail or unwell to inflict abuse on me.
– I am grieving someone who died before we could make peace about the harm they inflicted on me.
– I am grieving that there will never be another opportunity for my frail, sick, or deceased parent or partner to be who I needed them to be.
– I am caregiving for or grieving the loss of my one safe person in this world.
You might hear yourself saying things like…
– “I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but…”
– “She’s my mom. I am supposed to take care of her.”
– “I don’t want to feel this way toward my parent.”
– “I know we are not supposed to speak ill of the dead.”
– “She is going through so much. I need to be more understanding.”
– “My grandfather was the only man I ever trusted. I don’t know how I’ll feel safe without him.”
There is no perfect set of coping strategies or skills we can optimize for this moment. We cannot project-manage our way through this tangled web of emotions. In therapy, we finally have a safe space to follow the threads wherever they may lead. We learn to speak aloud and name feelings we have previously censored, unlock secrets, and share experiences we have never shared. We learn to sit with uncertainty, contradictions, and messy truths. We learn to set boundaries. We learn to be our own best friend and advocate. Give yourself the gift of a nonjudgemental presence. Give yourself the gift of therapy.
